I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
