I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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