Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
