What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
