I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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