I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
