Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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