I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
