tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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