No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
