He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
