I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
