This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
