Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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