At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
