We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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