Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
