I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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