I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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