i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Randomize
