god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
what day is it and did you see me today?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
