My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
