I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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