dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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