i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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