i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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