nut hugger
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
