So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
