my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
