you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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