Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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