You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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