i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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