please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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