Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
