did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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