making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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