I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
