seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
