Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
