the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
