the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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