Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
