When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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