omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
