is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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