I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
