I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
