I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i can't believe i had my finger in that
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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