My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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